yo world, i got beef yo.
Shoelaces: who ever decided these were a step up from velcro? i mean seriously, you cannot find an adult pair of velcro shoes (unless you are shopping at a special needs store-wait, do they have those?…), and why? they are secure, they last,they’re much easier and faster to secure and don’t fall out. so why did we decide that being able to tie a set of laces was some sort of right of passage we weren’t allowed to digress from? i see velcro as a vast improvement over laces, so why hell are we so dead set on them? except for the spirally kind, yall remember those?
Serving sizes: Dear FDA, please be more realistic when setting serving size standards. in case you didn’t notice, you are dealing with emotional women and Americans. and no one ever eats just 10 potato chips, so it would be nice to know that i am about to consume 6 servings at once BEFORE i wipe the tears from my eyes and down a pint of ben and jerry’s. smooches, Tafreaks.
or better yet, how bout one serving equals when i put the bag/tub/carton down? if God could make THAT happen i just might start going back to church, holla!
Ketchup packets: ketchup was invented by Henry John Heintz in 1876. is it too much to ask after 135 years to get a bigger effing ketchup packet? i mean seriously, raise your hand if you use one packet of ketchup with a meal. that’s what i thought, so why do they keep making them bitches so damn small? don’t they know greasy fry hands are not conducent to opening additional slick foil packets? do they like it when i resort to gnawing at it like some rabid animal to get at their sweet tomatoey nectur? hey Heintzendorfer, triple the f*cking packet size and save me some grief here, i’m trying to woof down one serving of vat fried spuds, thanks.
our body’s design: does anyone else besides me find it fascinating and a bit unfair that you can get heartburn from wine, muscle cramps when you sleep, and migraines for no reason at all (other then apparently you are carrying bad ju-ju for talking shit about that chick you work with) but you can literally drop dead in 24 hours or have stage 3 cancer with no symptoms at all? how the hell does that work? what is wrong with our bodies that we get pain signals from stress, food, air, light, heat, cold, sex, and in-laws, but nothing at all when our bodies need attention the most? not only are we destined for death, apparently we want to die.
customer service: everyone knows the worst jobs are not in the local waste management facility, its in the cubicle. the next time you see him, ask your local garbage man if he’d trade his job in to go and work for the DMV. odds are he’ll throw a bag of dead rats at you and tell you to piss off. cause even he knows the only thing worse then literally taking people’s shit, is taking it figuratively, and that doesn’t happen much in nature. your garbage worker is wise, wise man. PSA: quit bitching about desk jockey’s. you know why we aren’t all cheery and happy to help you? because we hate you, and ya know why that is? cause you’re an asshole. you demands are ridiculous, you want everything right now and if your technologically-retarded ass would quit bitching and looked on the website, you would have found the answer to your inquiry as well as life itself and we wouldn’t need this interaction.and if you happen to be the genuinely nice person who calls once a day and isn’t a complete artard then be aware the guy before you sure was so cut us some damn slack. we’ve gained 20lbs since we started working at this recycled air clinic, we sit way too close to someone who should shower more, and the creepy facilities guy blatantly looks at our cleavage (or dicks) when we talk to him. have some compassion!
inflation: okay seriously, why the shit does inflation exist? i don’t give me the economical breakdown either. do you know how depressing it is to get half the raise you were expecting, even though you kissed enough ass to make a mona lisa out of pubic hairs? then you find that said raise does not even keep you in line with cost of living? oh, and medical insurance is going up too, fyi. can i get some lube next time, economy? don’t even get me started on gas prices. anyone who was born before 1993 remembers when gas was just .99 a gallon, and were those ever the days! that will be what we talk to our grandkids about, not the cost of bread being 5 cents, eff bread! although i suppose by then well all be driving cars fueled by the bodies of stray pets, and anyone who travelled to the future would have thought we switched our currency to the yen since bread will be $2000 in the year 2060.